Permanent
by gamerhly
Summary: Joker uses an email and the words of a song to tell Shepard how he feels. Will it be enough?


**Permanent**

Joker knew he should have quit listening to Shepard's conversation with Alenko on Horizon, but he just couldn't bring himself to turn off the link. He could hear the hurt and defeated sound in her voice and the anger that took its place as she tried to pretend that she no longer cared about the fool.

"What an ass! He never loved her! She deserves better!" growled Joker under his breath. He sighed and thought to himself...if only I could tell her how I much I care, but better doesn't really mean someone like me.

EDI sensed the tension in the pilot. "Jeff, perhaps telling the Commander how you feel would be good for her...not to mention the relief you would feel if that information was out in the open."

Joker removed his hat and ran his fingers thru his hair, then settled his hat back on his head. "Are you crazy...wait you're an AI don't answer that! Even if I could bring myself to tell her, she's my commanding officer...there are Alliance regs that frown on that!"

"I believe that Alliance regulations no longer apply to you, as neither of you are a part of the Alliance anymore Jeff." stated EDI.

There was no response but EDI's comment did start him thinking about possible outcomes if he were to find a way to tell Shepard how he felt. He was startled back to reality when Shepard walked in sighing heavily. He knew that signaled that she wanted to vent and braced himself for the tirade.

"Why me, Joker? Damn the Collectors for choosing Horizon to attack...damn that asshole who obviously never cared about me and most of all damn Cerberus for not letting me stay dead! He thinks ill cry over him? Please no one will ever see me cry! That's a promise!" screamed Shepard. "Set a course for the Omega...I'm going to my quarters."

Joker leaned his head back against the chair once she left and wiped his eyes before the tears could spill. Her words hurt him even though he knew she only spoke out of frustration and really didn't mean the last part. He still felt responsible for her death and to hear her wish that she was still dead was just too much to take. He had to find a way to tell her just how much she meant to him. She could depend on him always and he would be there for her and follow her to hell and back every time she needed him. He was permanent!

Maybe he could use the words from a song and of course he would have to tell her in a letter an email because he promised himself a long time ago that no one would ever see him cry and he knew he would break that promise if he tried to tell her in person. He decided to listen to some really old music as that was what came thru the clearest on the radio channels in space. As he was flipping through channels a song finally caught his attention. "It couldn't be more perfect!" he thought out loud.

_Shepard, _

_I know that asshole Alenko hurt you and if I ever see him I will tear him to shreds myself! You deserve better than that. Who the hell does he think he is anyhow! I wish there was something I could say or do to take your pain away. _

_Now probably isn't the time for me to say this...ah hell I'm not even sure what I want to say or if I should be saying it but if I don't take the opportunity to do it now I'll never do it. _

_I'm not good with words unless it's sarcasm so I am using words from a song I heard called 'Permanent' and changing them a little bit. Its more than 150 years old but it seems to say exactly what i cant say in my own words. I know it will change things between us...I just hope it's not for the worse!_

_Everything, it will surely change even if I tell you I won't go away today _

_Will you think that you are all alone when no one's there to hold your hand? _

_And all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary, rest your head I'm permanent!_

_I know you're living in hell every single day, _

_so I ask 'oh god is there __some way for me to take her place' _

_and when they say it's so touch and go I wish I could make it go away but still I say..._

_Will you think that you are all alone when no ones there to hold your hand? _

_And all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary, rest your head I'm permanent!_

_I'm going to send this now before i lose my nerve...hell knows I've all ready lost my sanity but I'd give anything to see you happy Shepard...I'll never turn my back on you and I will always be there when you need me! I'm __**PERMANENT**__ Shepard!_

_Jeff_

"Can't believe I sent it...now what? What if she doesn't read it or what if she hates me for it? I hope it doesnt upset her or that I lose her as a friend...or...damn maybe I shouldn't have sent it...maybe", rambled the pilot. God he was talking faster than Mordin!

EDI cut him off before he worried himself into a stroke." Maybe it will be exactly what she needs to hear."

Shepard heard her computer sound off that a new email had been received. Who the hell wanted what now, she wondered. She thought about ignoring it but decided to dry her eyes and take a look. She was confused when she saw it was from Joker...why would he send her an email. She opened it and had to read it twice and then a third time. She looked the song up on the extranet. Suddenly, she felt a small smile escape and spread across her lips. Maybe she had been looking in the wrong place for too long. She quickly sent a reply asking Joker to come up to her cabin...immediately!

"Great...'tell her how you feel Jeff...you'll feel relieved and less stressed'...yeah she sounds pissed if you ask me...thanks for that EDI!", spouted Joker as he got up out of his chair. "Take care of my baby until I get back EDI...if I get back!"

Joker took the elevator up to Shepard's cabin. He didn't know what he expected but he sure didn't expect what happened when the door opened. The song he used was playing in the background and Shepard moved toward him. She stopped in front of him and noticed the look of worry on his face. She tried to smile, just for him, as tears started to drop. He decided to take a chance and pulled her into his embrace.

"Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry" she whispered as she raised her head to look into his eyes.

He breathed, "Only, if you forgive mine." He softly brought his lips to hers as his own tears started to fall and in that instant they both knew it was permanent.


End file.
